Cane is
(a) a fat-cat Essex entrepreneur, with a big house, a blonde trophy wife and a expensive Mercedes.
and/or
(b) A person of dubious sexual morality, who can fix you up with a hooker suitable for any "specialist" tastes you have.
- It's up to you.
He's responsible (ha!) for providing spangly UKRM stickers to anyone who sends an SAE. Google for the address, if you're interested.
Having undertaken a rigorous diet regime, he's shed weight in a bid to become the man he was 20 years ago when he was the Team Captain on the first-ever Crystal Maze. Those of us who've seen the video know what a desirable, sinewy bundle of sheer sex-appeal he was in those days. He may
appear in this video:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00004CON4/labyrinthgames
but we don't know because no-one's bothered to buy it.
However, as a result of this new-found self-discipline, it's widely feared that Interbrew may hit financial trouble if Cane stays the Stella. Security
around Mansion Cane has been stepped up to subvert attempts - thought to be masterminded by agents of the brewing empire - at tempting him back. On a more local scale, he is described by the landlord of the White Horse as "a fucking cunt" for affecting his profits. On the bright side, he had to conceded that there are fewer sights funnier than the sight of his wife dragging him out of the pub by the earlobe. Some of the regulars are
petitioning for Cane to go back on the sauce.
Oh, bikes. There's a Honda Fireblade in the garage, in silver, to match the Merc and the UKRM stickers. He's a regular on the BOTAFOF runs, at which
he'll be near the front somewhere - if he's not too hungover. When following him, you should look out for his shoulders shaking and his head bobbing up and down. This means that he's seen or thought or something and he's laughing out loud. Really.
At any meet, he's the one saying the things that everyone thinks too obscene, or outrageous to voice. He's superb value, great fun and a good mate (but I only really like him because of his wife).
