The court is in session. The defendant stands in the dock, doing his very best to look remorseful. 

To the jury he appears the very model of innocence; his short grey hair and smart suit going well with the tie that he won as the runners up prize in the "Who's got the biggest nose on ukrm" contest. Those in the public gallery can, however, see down inside the dock, to the knee-sliders that have been crudely gaffer taped onto his suit trousers. 

The judge speaks.
"Mr Champion, it is alleged that on various dates over the past 20 years you have wilfully brought motorcycling into disrepute. How do you plead?" 

"Not guilty, your honour" replies Champ, somehow keeping a straight face. 

The counsel for the prosecution makes a discreet signal and workmen start wheeling in filing cabinets filled with evidence. In his droning voice the prosecutor begins his case, but this is lost on Champ who has spotted an attractive female in the jury. 

"Answer the question, please" snaps the barrister, disturbing Champ's third attempt at mouthing "Fancy a shag?" to the juror. 

"Sorry?" mutters Champ, desperately trying to remember what was being said. 

"I asked you what, to your understanding, the word 'wheelie' meant" 

Champ thinks for a second and then glances to the public gallery, where a mild mannered janitor is holding up what must, for want of a better term, be called cue cards. 

"I am given to understand" says Champ, in his best reading voice, "that 'wheelies' are a dangerous motorcycle stunt performed by some hooligans, but I wish to make it clear to the court that .." 

Silence, the whole court awaits the clarification. 

"Sorry, I can't read the last bit" concludes the accused. 

"So," queries the prosecutor, "are you suggesting that you would never even attempt such a stunt?" 

"Yes, that's it." 

"So, this photo (exhibit 704a) isn't you performing a 'wheelie' while passing Cheltenham girl's school?" 

"No, your honour" 

"So, the person shown in this photo is not you?" 

"No, your honour" 

"So, somebody other than you chose to paint 'Champ, wheelie king' on the back of their leathers?" 

"Yes, obviously" 

"And they also chose to paint your home phone number beneath?" 

"I think it is somebody trying to frame me .... I've got a list of suspects, if that helps.". In the public gallery Mat Tab and Bastard Bear hastily leave their seats and make for the exit. 

"Suspects, eh? Presumably this photo (exhibit 25,491b) shows one of those 'suspects' performing a wheelie passed this very courthouse, only this morning." 

Champ peers at the offered photograph. 

"Fuck me! That was a good one, wasn't it?" he exclaims, provoking loud murmurs throughout the courtroom. Champ quickly regains his composure. 

"I swear by almighty Ged that photograph is not of me" he says, his hand on his most vital organ. 

"Will the accused please refrain from masturbating while court is in session!" snaps the judge. "Please continue to interrogate that guilty fucker" he continues, when order has been restored. 

"So then, Mr Champion, can I assume you have a similar lack of knowledge on the subject of 'knee-sliding' whilst riding a motorbike?" asks the slimy lawyer. Champ glances to the public gallery, where the large print versions of the cards have been wheeled out. 

"I ... have ... no ... idea ... what ... is ... meant ... by ... that ... term" he states and then quickly mouths "call me" in the direction of the jury while waving the photograph that shows his home number. 

"Why then did you sign this credit card slip for the purchase of 50 pairs of 'knee-sliders'?". Champ quickly looks to the public gallery, to see a man wearing a police uniform legging it out of the door. 

"Bollocks." he says, with heart-felt conviction. 

"The prosecution rest, m'lord" says the barrister, disturbing the judge who is reading "Boy spank monthly". 

"Very well, may we have the counsel for the defence please? Mr Kiran Soar." 

Ade gets to his feet. 

"I'm afraid, your honour, that Mr Soar hasn't arrived yet. Mr Champion seems to have underestimated how long it would take him to reach the court. I will be defending the accused." 

"Very well, cross-examine the accused". 

Ade glances at the jury and then stands directly in front of Champ. 

"Mr Champion, have you already paid Kiran for your legal representation?" 

"Yes", says Champ, puzzled. 

"Then the defence rests, m'lord" says Ade and has it away as fast as his legs will carry him. 

The judge restores order. 

"There is no need for the jury to retire" he tells the court, "In all my years of judging I have never heard before a case more deserving of the full penalty of the law! Mr Champion you are as guilty as sin and I intend to punish you to the harshest extent I am able to do so. For the next 20 years you will serve in an advisory capacity on ukrm. Every day you will respond to at least 10 e-mails asking 'How do I wheelie?', 'How do I go faster?' and 'How do I knee-slide?'. You will be obliged to further train and teach people on the road and never to offer bad advice. I hope this will teach you a lesson and I do not expect to see you before me again." 

As the police drag Champ away he screams "Will you wait for me Judy?" to the young lady on the jury. 

"Trudy!" she screams back, "My name is Trudy!", but the cell door has already slammed shut behind Champ.