10: UKRMsCBT

or "How not to make yourself look a bigger twat than you are already"

The comments that follow are direct quotes from various ukrm-ers' posts plus one or two "editor's remarks". They are not designed to put you off visiting ukrm but rather to give you an insight into the robust and piss-taking nature of (quite possibly) the largest newsgroup in the uk hierarchy (barring some boring old job hunting one).

The ukrm CBT in brief ...

• If you're worried about being flamed to hell and back, always but always check the FAQ before asking a question on the NG. You'd be surprised what's covered in there.

• Lurk for a while before you start to post. Get to understand ukrm's humour. It can be black, it can be cruel. It can also be bloody funny.

• Don't go thinking you won't be accepted because you're a newbie. Some of the regular posters are themselves newbies but had prepared themselves by lurking for a while to see what makes ukrm tick.

• Post at the bottom of the post to which you're replying and snip the sig and any other irrelevant parts of the quoted post. There's a more in-depth explanation to help new posters, in Section 1.10 of the FAQ.

• Don't expect every thread to be about motorbike related topics. In fact, don't expect any thread to be about motorcycle related topics. Well, not for long anyway. Most of us just love to ride the noisy, dangerous thing

10.1: Bike related questions

How many wheels does a motorcycle have?
Are they all in a row along the bottom?
Are motorcycles powered by petroleum, coal or steam?
Can I use a motorcycle to mow the lawn or pull a golf-trolley?
Do I need a licence to drive, ride or otherwise make use of a motorcycle?
Can a motorcycle be programmed to recite the works of Shakespeare?
If "yes", in Swahili?
Should I use a telephone while simultaneously using a motorcycle?
If "yes", how long a cord should I order from the GPO?
Can a motorcycle be programmed to undertake simple domestic chores?
Are motorcycles illegal in all countries of the EU?
Can a motorcycle be made to go around corners?
If "yes", which way should I lean to go around corners; forwards or backwards?
I do not like the sound quality of MP3, tape or CD-players. Can I fit a gramophone to a motorcycle?
If "yes", how easy is it to wind up the gramophone while using the motorcycle?
Is a Harley-Davidson a make of motorcycle?
What is the correct dress-code for gentlemen when using a motorcycle at night; black tie or white?
When passing a lady motorcyclist, should a gentleman raise his helmet?
And bow, ever so slightly?
And remove his pipe?

These, and countless other questions, have not yet been answered in the FFAQ. Many others have, however, and may profitably be consulted by new chums before waking the residents of this newsgroup with FSQ.

So check in the FAQ before asking on the newsgroup. The regulars get fed up with answering the same old questions time and time again and can get quite ... erm ... forceful if a newbie comes out with one of the old chestnuts.

Don't be surprised if in response to a question, you get told to, "F*ck off and read the FFAQ".

Don't be surprised if (when you start chucking your rattle out the pram about people being positively beastly) you get told to, "F*ck off and read the FFAQ".

Don't be surprised to discover that it's not just you that gets treated like that. Not that you will, because by then you'll have read the FFAQ and have wisdom greater than your years.

10.2: The Clique

This is for the benefit of any newbies, lurkers, would-be trolls, or just those people plain ignorant of uk.rec.motorcycles and how it works.

There is no clique. It has been suggested that those with a BOTAFOT Number represent the archetypal clique, but as there are well over 100 BOTAFOT Numbers out there, it's obviously ridiculous to call such a huge group a clique.

However, there are regulars, and there are prolific posters. Some are more articulate than others. They don't represent a clique either, nor, necessarily, the ethos of ukrm. There's more to posting than proliferation.

People are invariably not what you expect them to be, or to look like what you expect them to look like (with the possible exception of Mick Whittingham). Many may not be the age you assume, nor the sex you assume, nor even the sex that they were at birth.

It's also a terrible mistake to assume that posters on ukrm only know each other in cyberspace. ukrm-ers meet in real life regularly, frequently, and to the warm approval of owners of licensed premises all over the country - and in France.

For this reason, a thread may seem like a conversation between several friends precisely because that is what it is. But it's not only regulars who are welcome to these meets. It doesn't matter whether you're a regular, a part-time poster, newbie or lurker. If you fancy coming to one of the advertised run outs or parties then either just turn up for a run or let whoever's organising the party know you'd like to attend. We think you'll find that you'll enjoy yourself.

Whatever you may think, it's an absolute certainty that there is someone on the newsgroup who knows more than you do on a given subject. Going in with all guns blazing is usually a terrible error, and you will be made to look an idiot to the general amusement of everyone else.

By the same token, there are some posters whose knowledge of computers, Usenet and ISPs is quite frightening. Again, start throwing your weight around and it's quite possible that something from your past or present may surface to embarrass you and entertain others.

It has been suggested that if the posters that make up ukrm were to co-operate as an entity, they could wield quite extraordinary power. This has been demonstrated on very rare occasions when someone's behaviour has been utterly beyond the pale, to say nothing of illegal. It could happen again.

With reference to the above, anyone repeatedly making persistent threats, forging posts, cancelling other people's posts, sending mail bombs, viruses or other unwanted stuff either to home email addresses or to the group, or otherwise behaving in a way which reasonable members of society would vehemently condemn, is likely to regret their actions sooner or later.

A common complaint of newbies is to rail against the top-posting convention, and then complain louder when they're told, politely at first and then very impolitely thereafter, to comply. They often return to the hackneyed secondary complaint of ukrm being governed by a clique.

There is no clique (see above). What there is, is the will of the majority - it's that simple.

On your own, you won't change the way the newsgroup functions. However, what you may do is introduce certain conventions and especially catch-phrases that will be adopted by all and sundry.

[Makes Sign of Holy Pushrods]

10.3: Bottom Posting

Ahem! Oh FFS! Look some countries have a convention - backed up by laws of a greater or lesser stringency - of driving on the left. Others, with equally persuasive reason, validity and legislative support, drive on the right.

It takes a highly developed sense of porridge-brained idiocy to insist on driving on the left where everybody else is driving [and riding and guiding their mules] on the right. Admittedly some countries, with little traffic and a conservative allocation of brain-cells, have no established rule of the road. Cue the joke about Ireland changing to driving on the right. Call out and wave your hand in the air if you're the only person on the planet who hasn't heard it!

So it is with newsgroups; some post at the top, some at the bottom and some of them all over the place. Why can't you stupid sods accept that *here* we post at the foot of the previous SNIPPED message. That's what we're used to. It is a convention without the backing of legal sanction, but it's a convention we all work to. Be honest, it's really not the most arduous of restrictions, now is it? You can do whatever you bloody well like elsewhere, and nobody will think any the worse of you for your perverse habits; ukrm is assuredly not a judgmental newsgroup.

To pursue the analogy, you will also have to accept that if you insist on being the only person 'driving on the other side of the road' on ukrm, all the other 'road users' are going to get terminally pissed off with you.

They will tend to shout rude words at you, flash their lights at you, flourish obscene gestures and may even - in extremis - snap your mirrors off. I would not, of course, condone such intemperate behaviour, but am merely politely advising you of the consequences. Personally, I rather enjoy your ridiculous antics, for the eloquence they trigger among the regulars brings exciting new dimensions to the simple phrase 'colourful invective'. Nevertheless, if you absolutely insist on defying ukrm's 'highway code', you deserve every last insult you get ... and then a good few more.

This has been a public service announcement, sponsored by I Haven't Made A Death Threat Today Productions [Zug] GmbH.

10.4: What is considered On Topic

In theory, ukrm is for discussing motorcycles, in practice nothing is considered off-topic. The common factor is a love of motorbikes, not necessarily a ceaseless discussion about them.

You just walked into a pub / picnic / whatever. There are hundreds of people there, and they all have one thing in common. Motorcycles.

Some ride, some race, some are mechanics, some just watch, but they all love motorcycles. A few people seem to do most of the talking, but anybody is welcome to join in at any time. We'll either listen or ignore or flame them.

The title of this newsgroup is uk.rec.motorcycles, ie. recreation involving motorcycles in the UK. Can you honestly expect to go to a biker bar and the only thing you'll hear is technical motorcycle conversation?

You'll see some of that here, but mostly this is a group of people sharing ideas, laughing and joking with each other.

There are hundreds of bikes parked outside, Japanese, American, British, German, whatever. There are people in here with PhDs rubbing shoulders with people who can't spell PhD, and we all get along (most of the time).

Join in or leave, it won't matter. The only option you don't have is to change the way this group operates. It can't be done. If you don't like it ... well, you know what you can do, don't you?.

If you're looking for pure technical motorcycle conversation, try rec.motorcycles.tech, but it's pretty quiet in there.

10.5: How do I avoid being flamed?

In short, you can't but  you won't get flamed unless:

(a) you deserve it
(b) you post to the group
(c) you can take it
(d) you post to the group

So there you are, now bugger off and go and have a read of the FAQ then lurk a while on ukrm to get the feel of things before jumping in and making yourself look as big a twat as the rest of us.